In Between

Moments of clarity. Seasons of change and growth. The in between time that feels heavy with truth sludge. This is where I am.

Knowledge working its way, seeping from the depths of my soul, soaking my heart and mind and oozing out through the pores of my skin. Knowledge that has always been there, covered by the sediment of time, circumstance, unawareness and denial.

This in between has me hyper aware, on the verge of tears because my heart is hungry for self-discovery and ancient truths. I am craving vulnerability. I am hating vulnerability. Learning and relearning my triggers, searching for their why and identifying my responses.

This in between has brought a distinct awareness of the vast universe that is outside of me and inside of me. I am so small, so insignificant within it and yet I contain it.

This in between vacillates between anxiety and gratefulness. Fear of the unknown ahead. What am I being prepared for? The old terrors that I thought I had almost conquered revisiting with a vengeance, reminding me that there is work to do be done. Ground to be laid upon and watered with tears that release and cleanse. Gratefulness to be found by seeing unexpected life in barren places.

This in between is painful. I yearn for this ache. I fight it off with distractions, intentional and unintentional, until it can not be ignored, then in the submission I find my depths. Familiar, yet new. The everyday and ordinary is all of a sudden sacred, strangers speaking prophetic words unaware.

This in between is strength training for the days ahead. Preparing me, grounding me, focusing me and most importantly, healing me. And more and more, it has me wondering…maybe this lifetime is one big in between.

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