We parted ways again today and I braced myself for our son’s sadness as I drove away from the airport. He seemed to take the end of your visit in stride though and it was me with tears dripping off my cheeks. I turned up the radio and kept my sunglasses on even though the sun wasn’t out. It’s been a while since I’ve cried about anything regarding you and I’m not quite sure why I’m feeling so much emotion today. I do know this, in spite of how broken we ended up together, I’m so grateful for how good we are apart.
When friends hear that you stay with us on your visits, they shake their heads and say they don’t know how I can do that. I don’t know how I would do it any other way. Seeing you and our son together, enjoying every moment…that is what is important. And it’s been comfortable, pleasant even, to have lunches together and catch up on each other’s lives. You still make me laugh and once in a blue moon, you still irritate the shit out of me. It’s finally a healthy and easy relationship.
The future is still a bit scary but not as scary as when we first started this separate journey. I have found out that I can be independent and happy as a single mom, something I did not think possible three years ago. I’ve done things on my own, like setting up a tent and camping with Max, and actually enjoyed it. It’s been an enlightening and empowering few years and yet there is still a big unknown in front of us.
In that vast future ahead of us,
looms lies the possibility of new relationships. When we form those new attachments, I hope that we both find people who not only love us but who also understand and accept that we will always deeply love each other. We know each other in a way that only two people who share a kid and a history full of incredible ups and downs can know each other. It is weird and messy and beautiful.
You will think this letter is ridiculously dramatic but I feel like it needs to be said. I am so thankful for our continued friendship and the memories that we are still creating. Our son will always know how much I love you and that I think you are a great dad.
Here’s to the next fifteen years.