It was twelve years ago today, two truly became one. I wish I could say that I have graciously let go over the past many months. I haven’t been gracious at all. I have raged and fought. I have cried and complained. I have literally had moments where all coherent thought has escaped me. It is not easy to adjust to being a separate whole after being a half of a whole for so long.
With any loss, accepting is the hard part. Acceptance should be a choice instead of a result of time and grief. It should be easy to believe the final words, to see the end and to know that what has passed can not be relived, replayed or brought back to life.
The heart is hard to convince. It wants to hold on to the comfort of promises made before they were broken.
But today as I sat in a dark bathroom and grief felt like it was ripping through my chest, the future knocked on the door.
“Hey Mom! Look what I found!”
“I’ll be right there, Son.”
I dried my tears, took a deep breath and opened the door to focus on him and the toys he held in his hands. Until acceptance makes me whole, some days are just going to be dark but that doesn’t mean I will let the darkness blind me.
When the dark days drop in, unscheduled and uninvited, let the soft cheeks of a toddler or the kind words from a friend remind you that there is beauty, there is love, there is life ahead.
When the heart breaks over a loved one lost
Denial holds the pieces together and it only costs
One more day of tears until good memories dull the pain
And then we finally accept that there is more to gain
By accepting the cycle, the terrible cycle of change